pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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