About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
