swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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