If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
