If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
