Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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