Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
