So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
