cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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