I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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