Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
