No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
