i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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