I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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