i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
