A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
