did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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