apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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