I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
