What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
