Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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