I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
