Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
one two three fourrrrnication!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
where are you?
Hypothermia
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
