The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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