this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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