non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
