I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
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insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
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DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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