I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
