i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
