you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And then my night got REAL pukey
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
