Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
