You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
