Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
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So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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