why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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