i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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