in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
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she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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