You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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