My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
