Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
