My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
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It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize