i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
