I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
