There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
