Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
