Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
