Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
