girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
