my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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