i just had sex bonerless
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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