Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
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You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
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I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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