We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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