from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
