the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my phone needs a breathalizer
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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