she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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