Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
