Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
