Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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