sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
