dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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