I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
