I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
