i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
