Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
