I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
